What the fuck have I been doing with myself lately?
Well, as plenty of you probably saw, beating up on people who really don't deserve beating on. I met with Gargoyle so I could pick a fight(don't let him fool ya, it was my fuckign idea) and have a chat with someone who didn't know me and it turned out pretty fucking interesting.
See, he said a lot of things to me that got me thinking. Some of them he left out of that post of his, but he did a mostly good fucking job of recording our interactions so I wont bore you by repeating what you already know. I'll just go over my end of the event.
We met up on a really sunny day. I mean really, really fucking sunny. It was so bright the pavement hurt my eyes, and I could barely tell it was him when he started walking up. I was actually prepared for a fight: bastard dresses up crazier than I do, and I'm covered in operator tats from like fucking head to toe. He had on a torn up red hoodie and camo pants for some fucking reason. The guy's kind of a wirey mess, with his face all bandaged up and his hair all scraggly and cut wrong. He kind of vibrated, he was real fucking skinny and bent out of shape looking.
So we got to talking, and before you know it its an all out brawl and let me tell you, that wirey little fuck can throw one hell of a mean punch when he wants to. Or when he's blacked out, whichever. haha All I know is I'm surprised we didn't get fucking stopped by the cops on that dinky little roof of ours, cause it was a good fight. Shit got hard fast, so when he went down I figured I'd take him down to the alley and help him sit down. He mumbled a lot about that "Onewinged" guy he's always going on about on his blog and being able to get through some "code" of his...
And you know I just sat there looking at him. I started thinking again, like I used to in the old days. Instead of just feelin gcrazy, I actually wondered about shit. I thought real hard...something like
"What have I been doing lately? Is this what it comes down to? Settling scores byscraping up people I could be making friends with? Fuck if this is making a difference I don't want to do it anymore. I want to change. I have to do something, and fast, to find out what I could be fucking doing better. Like in the old Testing days."
Then Gargoyle and I had that discussion, and I reazlied...I dunno why the fuck I stopped Testing! I guess after I left Scott's place and those financial types kidnapped me, I got fucking lost in my own head. This shit changes a person you know? And it let it change me in a bad way.
After that I paid for Gargoyle's lunch and we split up. He said one more thing to me that wasn't meant to be inspirational, but it was. Something like "You know I spend all my time on rooftops but I look up to you and M anyway." I thought that was real fucking nice of him to say. So Gargoyle, if you read this, I am sorry for hitting you over the head like a gazillion and one fucking times.
So you know how I keep talking about not wanting to burn the fuck out? Well I ain't gonna. It's time to get my shit in gear again. it's time to risk death for real. it's time to start fucking testing again.